War is hell.
Just ask the Amazing Ch*****pants. Over the past couple of days we have been engaged in a brutal war over hurtful words, honor, and pride. But today hostilities have finally come to an end with me as the reigning victor. My adversary, first mocked me online and then declared war (even after the Potsusaker Post editorial board sent a final "cease and desist" notice). All diplomatic channels failed and hostilities broke out with casualties on both sides. Finally, the Amazing Ch*****pants found that internet war with yours truly was wholly unbearable.
How did I do this you ask? Heave Hove knows the answer. And it has to with receiving daily email updates from the lovely soft-spoken delights of Ann Coulter. But the Amazing Ch*****pants suffered much worse than the innocent Heave Hove, who is often a victim to some of my more mischievous pranks through no fault of his own. Let's just say I took the carpet bombing approach toward the new aggressor. Unable to bear the torture, my adversary waved the white flag of surrender in the typical Democratic Party fashion. In return, I transmitted the classified top-secret information necessary to stop Rush Limbaugh's incessant emails (as well as treats from Bill Kristol, Mitch McConnell, Chuck Norris, Bill Bennet, Joseph Lieberman, and more).
During the subsequent peace negotiations, my only request was for photographic evidence of the Amazing Ch*****pants waving the white flag of surrender. The Amazing Ch*****pants has since refused to comply with my only demand. But I am a just and humble conquerer, so I'll congenially sallyforth and let my former enemy live in peace.
Instead, I leave my loyal readers a picture of the gallant warrior returning victorious from the battlefield. Helmet intact, sword ever-so sharp, and shield polished and undented. (Photograph courtesy of Naoko).
Dear Amazing Ch*****pants,
I would really like that picture.
Yours in peace,
The Humble Conquerer